Main | December 2005 »

November 28, 2005

Meeting an angel on returning from Las Vegas

Meeting an angel on returning from Las Vegas

I was returning from a four-day trip to Las Vegas with a friend who was kind enough to go along not only to help celebrate my transition from consultant to staff member at a major university but also as my personal assistant. I'm a C-5 quadriplegic/tetraplegic as a result of a spinal cord injury when I was 14. I am paralyzed from the shoulders down and need assistance with some of the basics of life, like bathing, dressing etc.

We had played blackjack nearly around the clock for several days and upon deplaning I felt myself swept along by a tide of travelers until I was deposited beside my van in the parking structure. I listened to the radio for several minutes while the van warmed up. It didn't sound good. I was somewhat aware that we had landed in the middle of a blizzard but when you live in the Midwest you hear that word so overused that you tend not to put much credence in it, or at least I didn't that evening. Besides my friend and I had parted company in the airport and I didn't relish the possibility of spending another night in my wheelchair, especially if it wasn't going to be at a blackjack table.

As I left the airport complex and got on the freeway I thought briefly about turning around but decided to proceed telling myself that as long as I drove slowly everything would be okay. As I passed the exit for Belleville a few miles west of the airport I was having difficulty finding the road which might not have been so alarming if it wasn't I-94. There were no tracks ahead of me, just a smattering of vehicles randomly dotting a white plain. I passed a sign for a Super 8 Motel in the distance along the service drive, found the shoulder and navigated by the reassuring sound of the grooves cut into the pavement to awaken drowsy drivers vibrating under my tires, and drove to the next exit then doubled back.

I was greatly relieved to pull into the parking lot and only slightly annoyed at not being able to find a parking spot on side of the building by the main entrance. I pulled around to the back facing the highway and shut down my van. It might be another night in my wheelchair but at least it would be in a warm hotel room and not in a ditch along I-94. I was driving a full-size Ford Econoline van with a Crow River lift. I opened the doors, unfolded the lift platform and pulled onto it with my wheelchair. When I reached the ground a few seconds later my wheelchair was dead. I could not move, except to go up and down on the wheelchair lift.

There was only an occasional car on the freeway 100 yards or so away. I doubted anyone could hear me in the motel 50 feet away, I can't yell very loud and the wind was blowing fiercely. I felt resigned and imagined headlines like, "quadriplegic freezes to death 50 feet from motel." My cellphone was built into the dash console so that was no use. I remained calm, calling for help at regular intervals, resting in between.

After a few minutes a car pulled in and a man wearing a parka with a fur trimmed hood got out and came my way. I don't remember his voice or even if he said anything but I felt reassured by his presence and he seemed to know how to operate the wheelchair lift and my wheelchair. He was even able to locate the mechanism that disengages the motors to make it possible for someone to manually push my wheelchair, and to disengage it with ease which was remarkable because it's something that even experienced people have difficulty doing in the daylight under good conditions, let alone in the middle of a blizzard at 2 AM in a parking lot.

As the stranger pushed me through the lobby doors I strained to look back and above over my shoulder wanting to say thank you, but there was no one there. I asked the young lady behind the reception desk if she saw where the man who pushed me in went.

"I didn't see anyone," she replied.

Later, in my room I tried to recall exactly what he had said, but couldn't remember him using any particular words. I tried to remember exactly what his face looked like but it had been dark and it was obscured by the fur trim on the hood of his parka and all I could remember was shadow.

Heaven

Heaven

Heaven would be a life of ease
where you wake up rested
and not in pain.
No boredom or loneliness
and God looking like my grandmother
with her infinite patience.
Nothing bad would happen;
eternal contentment.

© Copyright 2005 Don Anderson (UN: ordinarymystic at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.

Me and my aura

my aura.bmp

Notes to an unknown lover

The day without knowing crawled blindly over the horizon
groping the remnants of my dreams and startling the uncertain crows
from pecking my heart into bits too small to be sewn to your sleeve.

You waited in my unconscious while flowers grew up in a blaze of passion,
opening themselves to the blunt soles of passersby then were forgotten
amid the drudgery of daily life, wearing thin romantic finery until apathy replaced contempt.

Night fell again obscuring the stain of my existence
until nothing remained but the gleam in my eye
and my breath on your neck

Heaven is only an instant that lasts forever not this ruin of dreams
and good intentions postponed to get to work on time, meet deadlines
perpetuating a passionless desert of duty peopled by intimate strangers
begging to be touched.

I pulled your words close to me their syllables conforming
to the awkward angles of my body like a child with a blanket in the darkness
and cursed the night for having a million eyes and no mouth.

© Copyright 2002 Don Anderson (UN: ordinarymystic at Writing.Com). All rights reserved

November 26, 2005

Circle bed photo

stryker_frame.jpg

I spent four months in one of these contraptions
after breaking my neck and severing my spinal cord. As if that weren't enough I also had indentations drilled in each side of my skull that were used to anchor 10 pounds of traction by means of a device resembling ice tongs. The bed turns like a Ferris wheel with the patient suspended across the middle but not 360 degrees, back and forth 180 degrees. My particular routine was four hours on my back, two hours on my stomach, four hours on my back, two hours on my stomach ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Circle bed

Trapped by a circle bed
I was forced into being
only being
no doing
no sensation
save pain
I learned to breathe
riding consciousness like a cosmic surfer
between ecstasy and annihilation
along a wave of existence
God's chosen for this moment

© Copyright 2005 Don Anderson (UN: ordinarymystic at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.

I have a photo of a circle bed if someone can show me how to put it up here

Desiderata 2005

Desiderata 2005

Go forth with hope and certainty amid chaos and destruction
secure in the knowledge that no good deed goes unpunished.
Do not turn not your gaze from the pain of your neighbor or enable him.
Cover your ass and your genitals, minimize the former and exaggerate the latter.
Trust everyone, to have a good excuse for letting you down. and never expect more than you can give.
Companionship is motivated by self-interest, it always comes at a price. be grateful for the company.
Remember that lasting affirmation only comes from within and the cost of delusion is madness


© Copyright 2005 Don Anderson (UN: ordinarymystic at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.

November 25, 2005

Is it alright to help? The Asshole Factor

The one question that almost always comes up whenever I do disability awareness programs is, "is it alright to help?" On the surface, it seems like a pretty silly question to me, but I do understand people's reticence. Of course there is the media stereotype of the angry cripple protesting, "I can do it myself." But I think it goes deeper than that. While I think some people are sincerely interested in not violating the dignity or independence of someone who has a disability by offering assistance, I think the majority are motivated by a fear of rejection. Let's face it nobody likes to offer help and be told it's not needed, especially in public. But wouldn't it be a much nicer world if any time any of us saw anyone struggling with anything we could feel free to offer assistance without worrying about being rejected or embarrassed, or even about whether or not it is alright to offer to help? Of course the keyword in all this is, "offer."

Most of the people I know who are blind have had the experience of being dragged across a street they did not intend to cross by a well-meaning stranger. And many of my friends who are paraplegics and use manual wheelchairs have experienced sprained wrists and fingers when equally well-meaning and equally unenlightened people have come up behind them and given an unannounced assist without asking first. Assistance that is given without first being offered, is assault and most of us would never think of doing it, but it does happen and it may be the subject of a future rant. What I want to do here is to make it a little easier to offer assistance the next time you see someone struggling with something, whether they have a disability or not and in order to do that I've postulated the existence of what I call The Asshole Factor.

I think that out of all the people who have ever assisted me or offered to assist me, at most 15% have been individuals who forced their assistance on me wanted or unwanted without asking. And that out of all the times people have offered me assistance, which is a considerable number after 37 years of using a wheelchair, maybe 15% of the time I have declined our responded that I would prefer to do it myself. There was a time I was much younger and felt inferior because of my disability, mostly when I was new to the chair and working very hard at re-establishing my independence when I didn't always respond appropriately to genuine offers of assistance. And that out of all the people with disabilities I've known both in my personal life and after nearly 20 years of working in disability related fields maybe 15% have been so fiercely independent, angry or otherwise maladapted that they would consistently respond negatively to any offer of assistance. Therefore to sum up my experience The Asshole Factor postulates that:

15% of the population will always be assholes
15% of any subgroup of the population will always be assholes
15% of the time we are all assholes.

Everybody is entitled to a bad day, if you offer assistance and someone responds inappropriately don't assume that person would always respond the same way or that that individual's response is necessarily representative of all individuals who look like that person.

What it boils down to is whether we want to live in a world where we all standby and watch people struggle because there is 15% chance that if we offer assistance someone might respond negatively, or if instead we choose to create a world where any time any of us sees anyone struggling with anything we feel free to offer a helping hand.